Gave in and finally did a large spread to work through my current emotional landscape, or at least give me a bird's eye view of the terrain. Figured a New Moon in Cancer would help with that. I used a modified layout of The Hanged Man spread I created sometime back.
So many reversed cards, watery, an affirmation of where I'm at. Very much the essence of The Hanged Man. Let the water flow, overflow, and drain out again.
We begin with The Hermit in reverse. It's a card of retreat, of being with ones own still spirit. Reversed here, I felt it clearly represents me in this moment. Wanting to retreat into myself and unable to due to various reasons, responsibilities, and requirements. I so badly want to be The Hermit right now. Instead I'm left raw, bone tired, and exposed much like the horned skull in the card, barely preserving enough light for my own way.
And I seek remedy.
The KING OF CUPS sits reversed, a cup spilling over as it rains. I've described my grief like my spirit/heart being filled up with just this feeling and filling up so full inside me that there is just no space for anything else anymore. And in all that I'm trying to manage- being the King of Cups when all I want is to have the freedom of the Page. It's a relief to receive some word from the universe that it's alright to not be the King of Cups all the time right now. That this is an energy I'm allowed to put down- to say it's too much and be The Hermit. Now whether it'll actually happen often enough...
We move to the Three of Pentacles also reversed. A card to remind me that this doesn't have to be a solo journey. It's so easy to fall into that mindset with grief. However it is seldom felt alone. To begin to see more clearly where those supports are- how we share an exchange of support- to recognize where it is lacking. I also note that upside down the triangle is also the symbol for water. We carry each others hearts, a community of heartwork.
In the position of surrender, the Four of Wands reversed. I'll admit freely- this one was hard to connect to. Where is the victory in all this? What's the fucking brightside? And maybe that's the surrender. Some things don't have to have a silver lining. It hurts, it slices, it is what it is. And we lay flowers all around it and try to manage. Bleak does not mean defeat. An acknowledgement of grief and pain is just that. As light workers it is tempting to always seek the breakthrough point but sometimes it just isn't there. There's no breakthrough; or rather it's more like a slow waking- groggy and sluggish but we'll get to the light eventually. The bridge is rest with the Eight of Wands reversed. The previous four wands have doubled and asking for even more stillness. Yes there's a lot to do, an ever growing list, but also rest. Go slow, take it one at a time if you must and as always with plenty of compassion.
Flow is Death reversed. You know, sometimes we gotta let the Death card mean death. There's a congruency with the Eight of Wands and Death. Without looking to deeply for the symbolism it reminds me of how hard I worked leading up to the funeral (I've never pushed so hard in my life)- fully the upright energy of Eight of Wands all to rush up to that moment of the burial- and in the end, well just that, The End.
I wonder did I give myself a chance to allow that moment to well and truly sit in me?
Probably not says the Eight of Cups. And upright! Finally!
Walk along the river, notice the upright cups and yes the overturned cups as well. All are part of the same flow of water. The river is not stagnant, there is directional flow. It is messy, choppy, and winding but it does move. I gave my body and spirit a chat on the day she died. I acknowledged the coming pain and even the damage that it would do. I also reminded myself that it would also pass. Slowly and painfully, messy, choppy, and winding. But it would pass. I would learn to live with it.
And even those five cups left upright may yet fall away again. Grieve, hurt, feel all the feels and there is still progress says the Five of Cups. I hesitate to call it 'coming out on the other side' but wherever and whatever it is I will get there. To meet every part of my emotional landscape with eyes open to every mountain, plateau, and valley. That is the exercise of grieving, of learning how to come back up for air.