one step forward, two steps back, lesson learned

I keep saying that I'll post more of my personal readings, just like I used to when I first started this blog. I don't know why it is I'm so bad at sticking to that commitment. It's not like y'all don't already have an idea of what is going on with me- it pretty much comes through in my content, even stuff I guest write on other blogs- so it can't (or at least shouldn't be that). In any case, ain't nothing to do but to do it, so here we go. A simple two-card reading, main energy and crossing card, with the Herbal Tarot.

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We begin at the heart of it. I've been working through deep grief and as such so much of my day to day is spent inside my heart. I just recently felt that energy move forward, just a bit but enough for me to notice, after a depressing bout of stagnancy. The ACE OF CUPS here feels like an affirmation, a recognition that I'm working my heartspace and beginning to understand how to hold the grief rather than let it hold me. It's a slow process but one I'm learning to allow. There is no one way to heal a broken heart, no cookie-cutter approach, no one piece of advice that mends it. You've just got to start somewhere, and this Ace affirms my willingness to begin.

As for the EIGHT OF WANDS, I first thought it referred to the dive into heartwork. And perhaps it did. At the time I pulled this, I was all the way in it, excited to feel more than just dull general grief. I could parse out the differences between highs and lows again, feel them in full breadth and capacity. But I dove in too fast. I'd forgotten that I'd laid these cards out as a cross- with the intention that the second card illuminate a challenge or warning. It wasn't long before I saw it for what it was.

The challenge comes in the form of my need to speed into this work, move it along, and rush my heart before it was ready. I want to feel better, a perfectly human desire. In addition, there's a lot that needs doing in my life right now. So many responsibilities and obligations come in the aftermath of death, and they all feel as urgent and rapid as the wands in the card. And I'm that someone who has to manage it all. Except my heart is nowhere near ready to get back into it. Sure enough, almost as soon as I began, my heart gave out. I lost the excitement, drive, motivation I'd had just a few hours earlier.

That was Monday- and I wonder if I'd have taken it slow, would I be in a better space today. If I had paid attention to the slow, steady, just begin message in the Ace of Cups would I have ended up doing more of what was needed anyway because I was more emotionally grounded?

Well I'll never truly know, but I certainly learned that lesson.