I've been working through some ennui this past week. It's a low swing in my mental health, it happens, but after a period of relative brightness the lows always feel just that much lower. Add on some truly unimpressive cold temperatures, grey skies, and rain and it's a recipe for blergh.
So I threw some cards about it of course. Unlike my previous low swings I was aware enough, early on, that I was caught in one and I wanted nothing more than to find a way back out. I was frustrated, angry, and a bit shamed about it.
I had been doing so well going into 2018 and managing so much better lately. I'd finally been seeing a grief journey evolution that wasn't so much about discovering all the new ways I was hurting and more about slowly knitting back together, slowly but surely. I had more of myself back than I'd had in a very long time. It was good. I was good.
And then something happened, out of my control, that tested every single boundary I'd painstakingly built and scraped over the healing wounds and removed the scabs, leaving them raw and exposed again. I handled it. Like the Page of Wands, I held my space and let the fire feed my strength and I thought that was it. That was good enough.
Thing is though, I underestimated just how much of my energy had been poured into holding it all together through that. I pulled energy from every part of myself, every single bit of me was poured into that fight. I won. But I used up all my fire and slowly fizzled out during the week. And the result was me this weekend. Drained.
When I drew the Six of Swords as a blockage to the Page it was immediately apparent to me that they were the same person. The figure in the Six of Swords was the Page of Wands, all their fire doused and drowned out in the water. It's what I felt like in the aftermath of that boundary testing incident. Energy hangover and drowning in the mess of emotions that came after, struggling to re-heal the wounds and recover. Like the figure in this Six of Swords, I reach for the fire at my heart and find it gone.
I've been drawing the different tarot Pages for some time now, and I think I've finally began to understand the first lesson of the Page of Wands.
Inspired, creative, and protective of the space they are creating around them, they are still figuring out how to remain safe and whole. When they are tested, enacting new lessons and new ways of holding boundaries around their space is particularly challenging. Will they do it, yes. Have they learned how to do it without completely expending themselves? Not yet. That day, during the worst of it, I called on everything I had learned and put into practice. I communicated my needs and boundaries simply, I cast circles of sea salt, lit candles of protection, prayed for guidance, and I held my shit all the way together. I was under siege but inviolable.
I just forgot that surviving a siege is one thing, but the real work of rebuilding comes after. And the first thing I need to do is stop working so hard to stay above water. I'm allowed to sink down and turn off for a bit. Let the water take me and float me back up when I'm meant to.
I am beloved of Oshun and Yemaya.
Water got me.