I made bad tea the other day.
I mixed the sweetest of flowers on my herb shelf- rose, hibiscus, chamomile, jasmine, and lavender- as I've done many times before when looking to invoke sweet magic. I added honey for extra love and a dash of lemon.
The tea was awful.*
This should have been fundamentally impossible. There was nothing wrong with my ingredients or even the technical aspects of brewing the tea. I'd made the tea before, my standard floral tea recipe, to nothing but sweet results.
As a healer, I engage my senses to work energy often- I can feel the energy of a room on my skin, I see auras and visions, I hear messages, I can sometimes smell if a room is energetically unsafe. This was my first experience tasting energy.
I take great joy in my healing work for others. It lights me up to mix a blend of herbs for a tea, bath, or tincture for my clients; I am excited to cast cards for querents; I love writing up a post on tarot or earthwork and receive affirmation that it helped someone out there. To serve my community as a healer is nourishing.
Being seen as a healer was the issue. Suddenly I was worried about producing visibly as a healer and feeling that my performance as a healer required me to show and tell and share not my work, but its product. This pressure had begun to insidiously turn me away from work for myself.
It hurt to realize that the dissatisfaction lay in the fact that I was making this tea for myself. With the exception of tarot, often self-healing work has always been internal- quiet, subtle, and invisible to others where no camera can capture it for the world to see me as healer. I was bored, annoyed, and frustrated that I was brewing this tea for me. I had become resentful of taking time to heal myself!
Needless to say, I dumped the tea.
I'm trying to do better with turning inward now, and being okay with it staying inside me and unconsumed by the world. I'm still writing this post as a public blog though, because there is nothing wrong with being a healer who uses social media- whether as journal or exposure or both. Blogging about my journey in healing work has always been a vulnerable and at times necessary purgative act. I just need to remember that the affirmation of producing healing in this very visible fashion for others will not be enough to replenish my cup.
I am still going to write. My blog and instagram are practically my tarot journal. I have found community on twitter and facebook because I chose to share. The healing work I do with others is important.
It's up to me to remember that I am also called to the moon as much as the sun, and the shadow deserves tending to as well.
My last cup of tea tasted wonderful by the way.
*despite my singular experience, you should definitely try this brew for yourself, especially as a bath tea!