Emergence, bit by bit.
I've had a difficult day today. I woke up with the full weight of my anxiety bearing down on my chest and was pretty much down for the whole day. I'm very happy I was on vacation or this could have been ugly. It's something that always happens to me right before my vacation ends and I've got to start preparing to go back into the world. I'm still working with myself on how to mark the end of rest in more nourishing ways but before I do I reached for some tea and tarot to center me as always. And my cat. Thank Goddess for my cat who prefers her space most of the time but can always tell when I'm sick or down and lies next to me.
I was too overwhelmed for any large spreads so I decided to cut one in half. If you ever feel too overwhelmed by the size of a spread you want to try, cut it into manageable pieces and do them bit by bit over time (days, weeks, whatever works for you). The spread I chose was the Intentional Emergence spread I shared this last new moon and I worked with the first three questions. I thought I'd share here since it had been a while since I posted a personal reading. I chose the Tarot of Pagan Cats because I sensed it would give me exactly the messages I needed despite its adorable subjects. Or perhaps because of them. Cats don't really have much patience for nonsense.
Let's go half on a spread.
What is emerging out of me as I grow? QUEEN OF SWORDS
This space is about honoring emerging truths, noticed and unnoticed. I was pleased to see the Queen of Swords here, even though I'm often intimidated by her energy. The way this Queen is illustrated in this card is beautiful. I love that she's surrounded by animals of flight, butterflies and birds, and even seems to have her own familiar in the form of a very fuzzy white owl.
I can feel myself forming into the energy I'll inhabit for some time as I move out of heavy grief and return myself to the world little bit by bit. The butterflies are all about that kind of transformation from one form to another. I'm also learning deeper honesty with myself. If there's one thing the Queen of Swords cuts through like a hot knife through butter, it's bullshit. It's been work with my shadow, work with creating structures that give me a sense of order, it's been calling myself out on my shit as necessary. It's also facing down mental health challenges and working through them rather than trying to cure or fix. To see myself as I am and be good with it. I'm not on those butterflies about to take flight's level yet. I'm fighting my way through the chrysalis but I see the light and want to be a part of it.
How can I better nourish myself as I heal? DEATH
Well that is a Death card isn't it. Unlike most of the other cards in the deck, the ground in this card is jagged, harsh, unforgiving. It's not easy ground to tread for sure. Of course we have our grim reaper, a black cat with its scythe at its feet. It doesn't feel threatening. On the other hand it feels like it's watching over this grave with white roses placed on it. I feel like this cat is more likely to use the scythe to help dig out whoever's underneath there than harm them. The black cat as the witch's familiar is an old association.
It's interesting that I mentioned a chrysalis and having to fight my way through, and here we have a grave and perhaps the witch the cat is waiting for also has to fight their way through the dirt to reemerge anew. An important part of this process is the leaving of the dead parts to die, they don't need to come with me as I work through this transformation. The scythe is there to remind me there is a cutting away that needs to happen before I can be free. Also I can't help but bring the butterfly symbol in again. The caterpillar digests itself as it forms a new. It's incredible work to literally eat yourself and come out of the other side even brighter and more skilled. That's alchemy right there.
What tools do I have to transmute trauma into healing? THREE OF CHALICES
Support. It's not something I've always been able to turn to or acknowledge I had, but I'm slowly doing better about it. I'm learning how to not just be a resource for others but to ask others to be a resource for me. One of the bravest acts of self-care we can do is to ask for help and support. In that co-healing we create is the abundance that these three cats now enjoy as they reach for the fruit of the vine.
Grapes are also associated with pleasure for the sake of it. Lush, indulgent, and unapologetic. I'm asked to sink into what gives me joy, pleasure, and plain makes me smile as much as possible. I'm not to be a noble sufferer. I can work with that.